'Out of Spite'

'When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.'

-Confucious

Let's face it: we can't like everybody. I'm sure there's at least one person that you can't stand . They get under your skin and you want to slit their throat; or hit them with a big-yellow-bus; or smack them with a sack of nickels. You don’t wish death upon them (I hope) but you just want to do mean things to them sometimes. They are annoying, spiteful and you don’t like them. There is always tension when in their presence. I’m sure you remember the movie ‘Aladdin’-it happens to be my favorite Disney movie. It's the tale of the young, vagabond Arabian boy who has a reverse in fortune, stumbles upon a 'magic lamp,' gets three-wishes and falls in love with a Princess, but not without a struggle, of course. Jafar, the evil 'royal advisor' to the King, did everything in his power to try to kill Aladdin. Jafar was a deceptive, sly and crafty hater and Aladdin the hero-just trying to survive and do the right thing. Like the naive, good-hearted hero We all have, or will encounter a 'Jafar,' or 'enemy' at some point in time.

The building I work in contains a few prominent company's offices. The lobby is beautiful: it has marble floors, Romanesque pillars and towering ceilings-like a New York version of Aladdin's palace. Upon entering this ‘palace of work,’ the guards (doormen) check the servant’s (employees) ID’s. Many ‘Kings’ (CEO’s, CFO’s) are housed under the palace, so naturally, it is their duty to ensure that only loyal servants and welcomed visitors are entering (gotta protect the Kingdom from ‘intruders’).

This is understandable-but what I do not understand is why they feel the need to re-check every freaking time the same people who have been working here for the past 20- years, comes in and out. Gotta smoke a cigarette? ‘ID please.’ Going to grab a turkey sandwich? ‘ID please.’ Going out to breathe air? ‘ID please.’ Your computer caught on fire? ‘ID please.’ Do people just change identities every time they step through the revolving door or what? What is the big deal? I mean, they don’t even really ‘check’ the ID. It could be stolen and they wouldn’t even know. It’s a half-a-second interaction when an employee walks in and flashes it to the doorman. So, why am I making such a big deal out of it? Because-it’s annoying. I have to slow-down, search through that jungle of a purse of mine and recover the little ‘ID holder’ from the deep crevasses, messing up my manicure. I would like to just walk straight to the elevators. Commuting to work in the morning is already a grueling journey-so why add more complication?


There happens to be one doorman, in particular who irks my nerves. He actually looks like a fat-Puerto-Rican version of Jafar, minus the Arab-garb. His grim nature, his abuse of fake-ass authority and even his dark eyebrows all scream vindictive. If I had a magic lamp, I would probably ask the genie to turn him into a little bug so I could step on him. He epitomizes the word ‘jerk.’ I don’t know his name but in my mind, he will always be Jafar-the spiteful doorman who hates on the FreshPrincess.

I often venture out for lunch with my co-buddies (very cool co-workers-actually they’re more like friends now) and I tend to leave my ID in the office. Not always on purpose, but sometimes it is. I just don’t feel like carrying a damn ID with me all the time. It’s stupid.

One day, we happened to be coming back from taking a 30-minute walk around Tribeca and I didn’t have it on me. This has happened several times, and he always says, ‘you need to always have your ID on you’ as if he would execute me the next time I didn't. If he wasn’t such a dick and didn’t take walking around with an ID so damn seriously, I wouldn’t even be telling this story. If he was a little more polite and showed more humility, I would have no problem bringing my ID with me. But he’s not nice, so, I always ignore him, or make a cutting comment and fill out the ‘visitor pass thing’ which takes longer than just flashing the ID. But I don’t care. Who is he to tell me that I HAVE to walk around with a picture of myself with the company’s name below it? He’s not the boss of ME. Not even my mother is the boss of me. So, after filling out the pass he had the nerve to say ‘if you don’t have it one more time, I’m going to tell your supervisor.’

EXCUSE ME???

So, the inner-rebel reared its ugly head just because he thought he had dominion. ‘Oh PLEASE,’ I said while storming off and ripping up the visitor pass and tossing it on the lobby floor- similar to the scene in 'Aladdin' when Princess Jasmine refused to marry Jafar. I guess it’s the ‘I’ll show you’ subconscious way of striking back. ‘Who does that bum think he is?’ I asked my co-buddies. A Princess shouldn’t have to carry around ID-for what? I couldn’t believe the nerve of that guy.

So now, when I walk in the doors, and Mr. Jerk-in-a-box happens to be there, I don’t look at him, or if I do, I make sure I look at him like he is the scum of this Earth and cut my eyes extra-hard with my nose in the air. I also make sure I conveniently drop pieces of paper as I’m walking past him as well. Is that petty? Yes-it is. But, again, I don’t care. Ever since he made that idol threat, he has become my unofficial enemy.

And I think I will continue to battle with this.

Confucious, the great Chinese philosopher challenged me today. Seeing the flaws of 'Jafar,' and evaluating the way I respond made me realize something. Don't be like Jafar the doorman. My 'mini-retaliations,' no matter how small and short lived they are, are not who I am. Actions speak volumes about who we are as individuals-and I'm better than that. I actually feel a little embarassed for letting him get to me-but it's ok. I accept my imperfections and I forgive myself. In the same token, I also recognize it's the inner-strength, and the recognition of his 'Jafar-esque traits' which put me on the defense. I was taught to be a respectful, humble, and socially responsible woman. But war-mode is when my formidablly cunning, zealous and arrogant alter-ego surfaces.

But, let's be realistic.

There are only about two people in this world who I 'don't like.' (Ok, maybe about four) Nevertheless, I pray for them at night too. I'll even pray for Jafar and ask God to bless him with better people skills. Wishing bad on people is something I never do: spite is never rewarded.

However, I'm only human-fully equipped with mood swings, bad mornings, monthly cramps, and other little issues. So I probably will continue to leave my ID whenever I fucking feel like it, and continue to roll my eyes here and there, and drop trash in front of him on occassion. But I will make a concious, Confucian effort to not let him effect my being; and carry myself like the Princess that I am.

Lord, help me...