'Do you want some fish and grits? I'll hurry and go get it'- Jill Scott
Sunday is the day of rest. We recline and relax while reading or doing family activities. Some go to church and give thanks and praise to the Creator, while others go to ask for forgiveness for all of the sins committed the night before. While walking down Ashford Street, the wind blew and gently flounced my black ballerina skirt around my knees. The gusts threw the leaves like calm tornadoes. Brown, auburn and faded greens formed mini-wind-tunnels, like the ones from the movie 'Pocahontas.' A group of five little girls were playing near the curb and waiting for their mom and dad to cross the street. They had pretty little pig-tails and innocent chuckles which blew in the breeze. I soaked in the sun, the breeze, the trees and the people of East New York-and everything seemed so blissful. I continued my stroll and a group of adolescent boys in soiled football gear made their way towards me. It was a perfect Sunday for pop-warner football in one of the local fields. While walking, I smiled at the sight of two-Black families, unloading their cars and making their way into the housing-projects. Seeing a traditional family doing regular 'family-things' was a beautiful sight-even if the kids were getting yelled at. Everyone fulfills their role within the home.
On Sundays, I renounce my title as the 'Brooklyngypsy'-instead, I'm the ‘domestic diva.’ Stopping at a local grocery store to pick up a few items, I decided to cook dinner, do my laundry and tidy up my place. I actually felt an internal need to do the cooking and cleaning yesterday-even if it was only for myself. Growing up, this was a daily routine which I did not particularly care for-but now being a single-woman, I see the value in it. In casual conversation with male-friends, when I bring up the fact that I’m cooking myself dinner, I get gasps. 'You can COOK??' They ask in deisbelief. 'Of course I can cook. Ain't I a woman?' They respond as if I'm speaking Mandarin. I've even been accused of ‘lieing’ about it. I can’t tell you how many of my guy friends tell me that just about every woman that they meet nowadays, have no home-training. Not home-training as in ‘etiquette’ but literally, they don’t know anything about domestication. 'Really?’ I ask them, in bewilderment. As I‘ve spoken to more and more guys about it, I’ve noticed this pattern. From dirty apartments, to binging on fast-food because homegirl can’t even crack an egg. Hearing their horror stories actually made me feel sorry for them. ‘What is wrong with these chicks?’ I thought. But, slowly and surely, in 2008, women are breaking dishes, buying McDonald’s and living like bachelors. And men don’t like it.
From picking multiple-man brains, they feel the same about us women. Knowing how to cook-up a meal and how to keep a clean home is actually pretty important to men-not ALL, but MOST. Being a traditionalist at heart, I view it as a trade-off: if a guy can’t pay for my meal and hold the door for me, than he’s not going to be a good provider-and he's not worthy of my love. If a woman can't play her 'role' and do the things his mother can, than what type of wife would she be? Simple things are crucial. For instance, the minor actions such as pulling out my chair and paying for a nice dinner speak volumes about his character. Even if he isn't making a ton of paper, it shows that he can take-on manly roles, such as:
From picking multiple-man brains, they feel the same about us women. Knowing how to cook-up a meal and how to keep a clean home is actually pretty important to men-not ALL, but MOST. Being a traditionalist at heart, I view it as a trade-off: if a guy can’t pay for my meal and hold the door for me, than he’s not going to be a good provider-and he's not worthy of my love. If a woman can't play her 'role' and do the things his mother can, than what type of wife would she be? Simple things are crucial. For instance, the minor actions such as pulling out my chair and paying for a nice dinner speak volumes about his character. Even if he isn't making a ton of paper, it shows that he can take-on manly roles, such as:
1) The PROVIDER-(making sure I eat and he has the means to pay for it)
&
2) A GENTLEMAN-(treating me with respect and making sure I’m safe is classy)
The simplistic gestures in the courtship process make up the bigger picture. A MAN will naturally do those things. It is standard protocol if you ask me. If you’re any type of ‘lady’ than you should have the same expectations. However- to you over-zealous, over-independent, controlling women out there, let’s not get it twisted. Having those expectations does not make you a ‘gold-digger.’ We all know that women (especially Black women) are making more money than many of our suitors, so if you think that it’s about spending another man’s money, you’re missing the point.We know we can pay for our own shit AND his if we had to-but, if men demonstrate their feelings/desires through actions (taking your independent ass out to eat) than we need to let them do that. The principle of sacrifice is important here. Real men also hate to feel emasculated. So if he offers to 'take you out' don't be a prick, pull out your debit card and over-insist on paying for the damn dinner. Don't fight with him to satisfy your ego-if he insists, kick back, and keep that fifty-dollars in your account girl! Let that MAN feel like a MAN; it's actually important to him. As women, we have so many roles to fulfill this day in age-hell, it’s the least they can do.
Given that, it is only fair that a man seeks out similar things in a woman. If a female can’t feed herself, make her bed and cross-her legs in public, than how is she supposed to be able to nurture a family, take care of the home-duties when that time does come? The courtship process is ephemeral. A man is showing you his worthiness-and once you get together and he locks you down…well, we all know how that goes. Things naturally change (sometimes for the worse). Nonetheless, a good MAN will always treat you well and value you, however, there aren’t as many ‘courtship activities’ like Red-Lobster four times a week. The woman begins to take on more relationship responsibility. And even if you're not ready to cook or wash dishes for the guy you are dating, having the skills are still essential: at least for yourself. Personally, I won't do domestic things for a man unless he is MY MAN, a very-close friend or family. A home-cooked meal is an expression of love- I swear, when you cook with joy, the meal comes out tasting the way you felt when you made it. Yes, we are ALL 'busy' these days with work, school, partying and bullshitting. But come on now-even Beyonce makes time to cook for Jigga! And I don't think anyone has more shit to-do than her. Cleanliness should remain a priority-especially if you're inviting a man to your house. 'I don't have time to clean..' yea, whatever. Don't make excuses. We all make time for what we feel is important, and if you think a clean toilet and fresh panties are not- than you need to do some re-prioritizing. For real.
The simplistic gestures in the courtship process make up the bigger picture. A MAN will naturally do those things. It is standard protocol if you ask me. If you’re any type of ‘lady’ than you should have the same expectations. However- to you over-zealous, over-independent, controlling women out there, let’s not get it twisted. Having those expectations does not make you a ‘gold-digger.’ We all know that women (especially Black women) are making more money than many of our suitors, so if you think that it’s about spending another man’s money, you’re missing the point.We know we can pay for our own shit AND his if we had to-but, if men demonstrate their feelings/desires through actions (taking your independent ass out to eat) than we need to let them do that. The principle of sacrifice is important here. Real men also hate to feel emasculated. So if he offers to 'take you out' don't be a prick, pull out your debit card and over-insist on paying for the damn dinner. Don't fight with him to satisfy your ego-if he insists, kick back, and keep that fifty-dollars in your account girl! Let that MAN feel like a MAN; it's actually important to him. As women, we have so many roles to fulfill this day in age-hell, it’s the least they can do.
Given that, it is only fair that a man seeks out similar things in a woman. If a female can’t feed herself, make her bed and cross-her legs in public, than how is she supposed to be able to nurture a family, take care of the home-duties when that time does come? The courtship process is ephemeral. A man is showing you his worthiness-and once you get together and he locks you down…well, we all know how that goes. Things naturally change (sometimes for the worse). Nonetheless, a good MAN will always treat you well and value you, however, there aren’t as many ‘courtship activities’ like Red-Lobster four times a week. The woman begins to take on more relationship responsibility. And even if you're not ready to cook or wash dishes for the guy you are dating, having the skills are still essential: at least for yourself. Personally, I won't do domestic things for a man unless he is MY MAN, a very-close friend or family. A home-cooked meal is an expression of love- I swear, when you cook with joy, the meal comes out tasting the way you felt when you made it. Yes, we are ALL 'busy' these days with work, school, partying and bullshitting. But come on now-even Beyonce makes time to cook for Jigga! And I don't think anyone has more shit to-do than her. Cleanliness should remain a priority-especially if you're inviting a man to your house. 'I don't have time to clean..' yea, whatever. Don't make excuses. We all make time for what we feel is important, and if you think a clean toilet and fresh panties are not- than you need to do some re-prioritizing. For real.
Why would any MAN want a woman who can’t put on her apron and fulfill that traditional role? Or a woman who can't work some pumps, with her head-high and feminine grace? It’s about reciprocity. The same way we want men to be have a job and provide, we have to be fabulous, too-(even moreso because MEN are biologically more visual creatures). I’m not knocking you sisters who don’t have cooking skills, or don't own a pair of high-heels. If you don't have at least one pair, I would strongly suggest that you go to Zappos.com. If you can't cook, you need to learn. Seriously. Go cop a Jill Scott CD, Youtube the 'Crazy in Love' video, and go watch your mother fry some chicken for a little modern-woman-inspiration. Just watch, listen and learn.
Guys...of course not ALL of you are 'up-to-par.' Many men that I have met don't know how to do a lot of 'manly' things, either. I remember I had to teach one of my fraternity-brothers how to PUMP GAS! The cheapness, the disrespect, the entitlement, the bitchassness, the laziness and the egos many of you throw at good women, are sad. If a man can't fix my flat-tire, or at least go get it fixed, he looks like less of a man in my eyes. At least take some initiative! I can understand why women wouldn't want to do anything domestic for your bum-asses. Some of you are just fucking losers. No, it's not your fault in entirety. Like women who don't know about 'catering to their man', guys who act like they can't respect a woman or hang a picture frame, were probably just never taught. How can you know your role, if you never learned it? So, I'm not judging you.
BUT, I will show you how.
Send me an anonymous e-mail, and I will personally respond to you with 'tips for a FreshPrince &/or FreshPrincess.' Free of charge. Anything you want to know about the opposite sex that you are romantically pursuing; from approaches, to dating advice, or if you just want to learn how to make fish-n-grits. I'm resourceful and will definitely give you a legit and true answer. I don't have a degree in this shit, but I'm here to help.
2 comments:
Awesome! I'm feeling your logic.
Very captivating birdy...
I have to say I don't cook but i can. And I have been asked by many guys which I reply, I can't but i don't. It doesn't mean I wont though! The crazy thing is that men will talk real talk to their female friends before females they are trying to peruse. now, it's great we know these things about (some) gentleman in general, it still doesn't mean we are not going to be very open to play the matriarch role right away. I guess we are just in the day of "independent" this and that, that we forgot what courtship is about...if you ask me out on a date there should be no hesitation when the check is placed. I shouldn't even have to fake the funk like I'm reaching for my wallet and when I do your ass needs to jump across the table like superman and stop me! but I digress, all of us, men and women, have a lot to learn on what to do and what to expect. But before that, we need to know our worth.
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