I never felt this way before.
As I sat in the airport, after an extended weekend with a male friend, responding to my Monday morning ‘hey girl, so how was it?!’ texts, I realized how happy I was to get away from him. I slept about 8 hours, yet - I felt exhausted. The weekend was enjoyable- yet- unfulfilling. Shallow, ephemeral pleasures: R. Kelly’s concert being the highlight. I had no real ‘connection’ to this young man. The chemistry wasn't as strong as I thought, we're both stubborn, and have differing belief systems. And although he was a gentleman, I received royal treatment, most expenses paid, and a fly Marc Jacobs watch- I sat in terminal T, still, unfulfilled. Not floating on cloud 9. Not replaying any part of the weekend. I was just ready to get back to Miami. Truth be told, I was ready to leave before I even arrived. It’s truly ridiculous how easily turned-off I can be. So capricious- sometimes I disgust myself. In this moment it was when I realized how ‘over’ the concept, notion and even act of dating, I really am. The level of indifference I now have regarding romance, has reached an all-time high. But of course, one doesn’t reach this emotionless, cold place overnight. This has been a progressive, downhill spiral. And who is to blame? Society? Men? The alcohol?
Hell if I know.
Most women dream of fulfilling their maternal, womanly destiny. You know- big dream wedding to the man she loves, a few kids, the ‘ring.’ The notion of perpetuity, a supporting husband, kids that love you, and a comfortable life. She may work, but her number one role is the Queen of the home. Several good friends have partaken in this realm of thinking & are benefitting greatly from it. I support them- fully- however, I have come to accept that it doesn’t happen with as much ease for all women. For some, it doesn’t happen at all.
I used to think that 27 was the ‘golden age’ which I would aim to be married. Here I am- 25- and am as single as an apple in a bucket of oranges. Somewhere along the lines, my priorities shifted. Fiercely independent and guarded, I now take more pleasure in the thought of running the marketing for a Global brand, learning Spanish, and traveling to the Middle East more than a stupid wedding dress or even meeting a good man. They come and they go- and being the serial dater that I am, this I know first-hand. So why should I value men, when they seemingly evaporate after about 2 dates (on average)? They’ve become as dispensable as toilet paper: one-use and its over. The more I look at myself, in my current state, the less I seem like a woman.
‘Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man.’ Not ‘Act like a Man, Be a Man.’
My emotions are distant. I realized how ‘detached’ I have become. Partially, I believe that this is a defense mechanism to avoid pain. When you’re heart is soft, it’s easier to break, I think. So, I only seek to get what a man is willing to give- and most of it is pretty shallow and materialistic. Conversation.. nice dinners.. weekend companionship.. head on occasion- and not much else. Nobody has sustained my interest to the point of true, ‘openness.’ Sadly.
But let me not seem so..’bitter.’ People say that it (love?) comes when you least expect it- and I definitely subscribe to this theory. So I guess the indifferent, accepting frame of mind will keep my self-esteem from plummeting and free me from feeling like a societal menace to womanhood.
Oh- and if the theory is true, I’ll probably be getting a man from it as well.
Let’s see what happens.
No comments:
Post a Comment