'The ability to accept responsibility is the measure of the man.'
-Roy L. Smith
A bitingly cold Saturday in December, in the middle of the ice rink at Rockefeller Center, there they were. He stood on bended knee, holding a semi-frost bitten fourth finger on the left hand of his bride-to-be. He asked, ‘shorty, will you marry me?’ And she happily agreed. They kissed, her eyes filled with a frozen teary mist, and they popped champagne to celebrate their bliss. He and his fiancé will go on to buy a house, explore the world, and birth a baby boy or girl. All in the midst of their new-found ecstasy, there is sure to be, laughing, crying, giving and relying, all in the name of the four letter word that most people hear yet feel they don’t deserve.
True Story.
As I continued to scan through the ‘My Engagement’ facebook photo album of one of my beloved fraternity brothers, it made me think: I am really a grown-up. Lately, it seems that more and more of my peers are getting knocked up, locked-down and exiting singledom. ‘Wow-he’s engaged?’ I thought. This is the life that I never thought I'd live when I was a six-year old girl, just looking at grown-ups on TV. Yea, I made my Barbies get married and shit, but I didn't know that my life-size friends would be like her and Ken. Who would have thought! This past week I heard news of about SIX women that I know, being pregnant (yes, six). My alter-ego stood there shaking her head while covering her ears.
Confession:
As much as I hate to admit this, the news of the pregnancies had me- the epitome of a 23-year old Brooklyn bachelorette, daydreaming about the idea of being with child one day. Can you believe that? Again, the alter-ego stood there, perplexed, asking- ‘What the fuck is your problem!? A BABY? Girl, you're trippin.’ That had to be a biological backlash or something because I am very ‘anti-baby’ right now. But, I blocked her out, and really sat there, thinking about babies, wondering- how many pounds I would gain if I got pregnant? Who would be my baby’s daddy? Will a ‘Mr. Do-Right’ come along and share the joys and pains? And again, my alter-ego interjected –‘ DO NOT get pregnant you fool!’
Weird.
But a woman thinking about motherhood is inevitable. The same way the sun rises in the East and birds fly South, certain things are just destined to happen. Like DNA and weather patterns, some things are simply out of our control. Men and women were put on this Earth to be fruitful and multiply-right? And, ain’t I a woman? I am-so, it’s simply natural to think about those things. I’ve always been a ‘late-bloomer,’ so maybe that’s why those ‘thoughts’ seemed so strange -at least at this point. Some friends of mine began baby-makin’ in middle-school. That was unfathomable for me at the time-hell, I didn’t even need a bra…and sadly, still barely need one.
Moving along…
The multiple marriages and childbirth among my peers are two major signs of adulthood. Back in October, I played bridesmaid in a wedding for a dear friend from high-school. As I stood at the alter, holding the red and black rose bouquet, I watched her tranquilly walk down the isle. The chapel stood still as a sea of white elegantly floated through the pews. It was one of those timeless, rare moments that God blesses us with. Even in the midst of what makes most women yearn for marriage, I had a different kind of epiphany:
Better her than me!
With commitment (particularly the lifelong ones aforementioned) comes duty. Responsibility. When you have a child, no longer are you just (insert your name______) anymore. You are
Weird.
But a woman thinking about motherhood is inevitable. The same way the sun rises in the East and birds fly South, certain things are just destined to happen. Like DNA and weather patterns, some things are simply out of our control. Men and women were put on this Earth to be fruitful and multiply-right? And, ain’t I a woman? I am-so, it’s simply natural to think about those things. I’ve always been a ‘late-bloomer,’ so maybe that’s why those ‘thoughts’ seemed so strange -at least at this point. Some friends of mine began baby-makin’ in middle-school. That was unfathomable for me at the time-hell, I didn’t even need a bra…and sadly, still barely need one.
Moving along…
The multiple marriages and childbirth among my peers are two major signs of adulthood. Back in October, I played bridesmaid in a wedding for a dear friend from high-school. As I stood at the alter, holding the red and black rose bouquet, I watched her tranquilly walk down the isle. The chapel stood still as a sea of white elegantly floated through the pews. It was one of those timeless, rare moments that God blesses us with. Even in the midst of what makes most women yearn for marriage, I had a different kind of epiphany:
Better her than me!
With commitment (particularly the lifelong ones aforementioned) comes duty. Responsibility. When you have a child, no longer are you just (insert your name______) anymore. You are
( ______), the mother or the father of your child. Your name becomes attached to your offspring. The same principle applies to marriage. Given the drastic lifelong, lifestyle change, this is not an easy task. Walking down an isle and having a child are both full-time commitments. That kid is now a life you must manage, and ensure that's properly raised. The Bible states that a man must ‘leave his mother and cleave to his wife,’ thus unifying as one being. And a child is considered the ‘fruit of your loins.’ But child-rearing is much more complex than planting apple seeds: although it takes only a couple of minutes to make a baby.
When people decide to 'take that step,' there's no more coming and going as you please. No more splurging on bullshit when you have a mortgage to pay. No more ‘dating,’ (Yikes) And long gone are the days when you come home drunk from parties and sleep in on Saturdays because those Saturday mornings now belong to ‘yo kids’ and Spongebob Square Pants. The fresh scent of a dookie-diapar and kiddy-fights over who gets to play with a stupid, broke down toy is what will now awaken you. Clearly, I’m not a ‘parent’ but I AM the eldest-child who was raised in a single-parent home for much of my childhood. Needless to say, I’ve co-parented enough to know what comes with the territory; also another part of why I don’t want children right now. I even see it with my own sister and baby niece- she simply can’t do what she wants without thinking twice. There always has to be clearance for someone (usually my mother or one of my other younger sisters) to baby-sit baby-girl before my sister can do her thing. And if my Mom has an attitude or my sisters are not in the mood..? She keeps her ass right at home with Little Bo Peep.
Now, although I’m not ‘there yet,’ I believe fulfilling the role as a ‘mommy, daddy, husband, or wife’ changes most of us for the better. For with the acceptance of responsibility comes maturity. And when we mature, it builds character. That ‘ego’ takes a backseat and we change the order of our priorities.
We grow up.
I finally snapped out of my maternal-daze and came back to my current serial-dater reality. I don’t have that magic that my friend and her husband shared while exchanging their vows, nor that urge to be on bended knee wearing ice skates with 500 people looking. Honestly, the thought of substituting myself in either one of their places scares the shit out of me. But, to my friends whose hearts are secured, with child or the love of your life-cheers. My alter-ego is still kicking and going strong; she won’t let me give into these commitments that will tame her and tie her down. She has more places to go, more people to meet and more things to discover while unattached and independent. She wants to be the best she can be before she faces the roles she’s destined to fulfill. She desires to be the best mother and lover possible. She is a ‘grown-up,’ yet she feels God has other places for her to be before finally anchoring her with a family-the act of grown-ness. She will continue to accept onus for other things in the meantime.
She knows it will happen… it’s just not her time-
Yet.
Now, although I’m not ‘there yet,’ I believe fulfilling the role as a ‘mommy, daddy, husband, or wife’ changes most of us for the better. For with the acceptance of responsibility comes maturity. And when we mature, it builds character. That ‘ego’ takes a backseat and we change the order of our priorities.
We grow up.
I finally snapped out of my maternal-daze and came back to my current serial-dater reality. I don’t have that magic that my friend and her husband shared while exchanging their vows, nor that urge to be on bended knee wearing ice skates with 500 people looking. Honestly, the thought of substituting myself in either one of their places scares the shit out of me. But, to my friends whose hearts are secured, with child or the love of your life-cheers. My alter-ego is still kicking and going strong; she won’t let me give into these commitments that will tame her and tie her down. She has more places to go, more people to meet and more things to discover while unattached and independent. She wants to be the best she can be before she faces the roles she’s destined to fulfill. She desires to be the best mother and lover possible. She is a ‘grown-up,’ yet she feels God has other places for her to be before finally anchoring her with a family-the act of grown-ness. She will continue to accept onus for other things in the meantime.
She knows it will happen… it’s just not her time-
Yet.
2 comments:
"Don't rush to get GROWN, Drive slow Homie"
Life comes at us all faster than anticipated, but the better prepared you are the better the outcome. There's no rush though. Patience is a virtue indeed. I had a similar relapse when I heard one of my LBs is about to have a seed. What a blessing for him and his girlfriend. Definitely not one of my short-term goals.
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